Renny's Secret Diary

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My feelings, secrets, unknown past and forgotten memories.

Monday, December 13, 2004

Pierced and burnin heart...

feeling super upset and low confidence in myself... thingz are nt going well for me.. i feel dat i have been faking a strong front in frnt of others these few days. dats y i have this secret diary where i reveal my real world...

I haven been myself lately. completely lost and aimless for my love life. will ignore it for the moment. i cant bring myself to come up with solutions.. he said his love for me decreased becoz we haven been meetin up.. the first tot dat came to my mind.. "is our relationship dat shallow after all these while??".. dat reali made me break down.. i feel lik as if the relationship all along was of no substance and deep understanding of each other. after gettin hurt for so mani times for both of us.. before dat night, i was 100% sure the one i love and the relationship i had was a quality and had strong belief of lasting love. but after recieving dat sms.. i felt lik my world with him had crumbled. This is the second time of my life i felt this way. I think this time rnd i need a few yrs to recover. Dun dare to try anymore. Very hurting in d end.. thinkin back, reading those letters and the past.. its lik a dream.. nv wanna wake up.. but...

I told him to make the choice. I am unsure wad kinda choice he will make although he says he wants to continue.. is it becoz of peer pressure? or is it becoz we had been 2gether for a while and he dun want to throw it into the drain? For me.. i feel peer pressure.. family and frenz. i feel lik an idiot for convincing my family tat i made the right and life choice. And then to realise dat nth is definite. We used to have a strong faith in this relationship..

I wish thingz can work out... but its not going to be easy. Have to put in alot of effort from both sides. Have to have the mentality that we love each other alot, and dats y we r going to giv it a try again. I have doubts. many doubts. So wad if i have love for him and yet he doesnt? giving him up is the oni way to make him happy. So wad if i dun wish to loose him? no use hoggin to a relationship with sumone who is not meant to be yours..

I hope he can let me go too if he doesnt love me anymore. Dun wan to see him lost and sufferin too.. becoz i noe how it feels lik. especially now.. my heart is burnin and pierced.. And yet.. i can do nth.. but to wait in anxiety. Wait for his final decision.