Renny's Secret Diary

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My feelings, secrets, unknown past and forgotten memories.

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Finally...

Ever heard of the phase "Happily Ever After"? everyone does. but who has seen it? I tot i did. But i was wrong.. everything has cum to an end. We broke off last night. i feel more relieved becoz i have come to a conclusion n decision in d end. At least i do not have to live in suspense and anxiety by sitting there and waitin for his decision. I made up my mind after the phone call with him. He is not sincere in making things right at all.. its like as if i was beggin him to love me again.. I couldnt believe my ears when he said he had no more feelings for me.

And throughout the conversation he sounded impatient. He did nt spare a tot for me. Saying hurting things to me unknowingly. The deep cut he had given me.. im nt sure when wil it recover.. but i feel lik shit now.. i felt lik as if he had stopped loving me a long time ago and all along i tot he loved me. Its lik a one sided thing.

Im not sure isit becoz i gave him too much freedom that he thinks that i dun care. I let him go when he needs to meet frenz, girl frenz, outing til 3am or 5am, work everyday frm mornin til night, stayin overnight at girl's place, blah.. The reason behind it is simple. Trust. I trusted him so much. So much so. And why is dat? Love. I love him. So much so. But... does he know why i love him so much? His love and sincerity from the start. Moved me. Touched me. If today, it is another girl, do u think she can tolerate her bf for doing all these? She would have kicked up a big fuss with her bf.

When he was with me n my frenz, he kept quiet, even fell asleep. Who can tolerate that? Did i ever do anything to make him disappointed in me in frnt of his frenz? No. But all i can do is tolerate. and accept that when he says he is tired. He is always tired. He can hav the energy to go out with frenz and work. But did he prioritize by giving me a little bit of attention to care for me, assure me and think of me? unknown. i trusted him too much dat i tot he would stil cum back to me no matter wad. But...

He made me say out the heartbreaking phase. "Lets break off. This is final". But he insisted on continuing. Reason? becoz i put in alot of effort to pursuade my family to accept him. Accepted? No. Becoz i expected to hear him say he wans to make things go right and wil try his best to love me n protect me. But no. I did not hear any such things. Just becoz he doesnt love me nw, he decided to ignore my feelings too. Mayb we were nt meant to b.

Everything is like a lie. He made me convinced dat his love for me was genuine and lasting. And den in d end, his excuse was. "love decreased becoz we seldom meet up". So hurting. Becoz i alwayz tot our r.ship was strong and meetin up less was nt a problem at all. Mayb he doesnt even care abt anything anymore. and said "We r reali 2 differnt types of ppl". He hurt me again.

I am even more sure dat breakin up is the correct thing to do. Without love for me, we both cant carry on. I dun need him to pity n sympathize with me juz becoz i love him n need him. I can stand up on my own again. One day, we may learn to regret. But by then, everything is too late. becoz there is no turnin back anymore. I hope he doesnt hurt his next gf likdat.