My feelings, secrets, unknown past and forgotten memories.

One more hour to go...

before 3d lab ends... haiz.. sian sianz.. sleepy nehz..

wonder when he is going to start on the animation part... coz he'd been on the car for 2 whole hours le... later going to si mah lu with marcus. have a bad feeling sometin will happen to me soon. so muz go n pray and wait to see how.. after dat go meet andy. get the pressies from him.. forgot to bring back home dat dae.. hahaha becoz i was not the one holding the big bag last sat so i had no recollection abt the baggie.. hahahhaa..

yumm lolli, when wil our next suki session be??? im craving for the yummy yumm yumm salmon... ooohhh... lol... esp when im damn hungry now... Rooaaarrrrrr...
next week me n marc wanna go ktv.. who wan to go? i tink i wil ask bao mei and dilin along. wil ask yum n lolli.. but yum doesnt sing.. -_-///

Damn damn damn damn damn hungry........ RROOOOOAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRR... the 3d lab is takin forever!!!!! uuurrrrggghhhhh...

erm.. today my blog is very badly structured and lame.. bad language too.. haha..

Sleepy after makan...

hmmm juz fin eating... breaded chicken with nacho cheese... yum yum.. eh nicer den the nacho in cinemas.. haha.. last sat went to andy's place to stay after my work. he came quite earli ar.. den we went to buy dinner and blahz haha. he wanted to take mrt while i wanted to take bus to his place after work.. but when we reached the orchard mrt station!!! IT WAS SO DAMN CROWDED with ppl...i couldnt even see wad is ahead of me. so we turned back and walked to somerset mrt there to take bus... IT WAS WORSE!! the whole walk was lik squeezin thru... oh my... so hot and stuffy... can faint lor..

Den we took bus. hmmm heng got seat. if nt damn jia lat coz it was a long ride. we chit chatted on bus about my proj, abt other things.. cant rem already becoz i got short term memory.. hahhaa.. den reached his place and found out that his parents are asleep already.. hmmm it was quite late le.. arnd 1030pm i tink... the first thing i did was shower... Wah so shiok after shower lor!! becoz i was so hot and sweaty and could feel the heat from the crowd... the most funni thing was my bro and andy had finished eating their Mc Spicy Double MEAL... i tink it was in less den 15 mins?? -_-

Den i settled dwn to makan my Mc Chicky burger.. haiz late late dinner... how to b kong jie... hahahhahaha... den andy laughed at my mp3.. say not nice or wad.. haha.. but who cares becoz i lik it.. :P .. eh.. i tot guys dun slp so earli one.. den we sat there.. waiting for each other to tok.. although i tink i tok the most and keep askin them to tok.. coz cant get to slp yet.. so in d end.. andy went to off the lights. den i also crawl on the bed.. and everyone juz laid dwn. no more noise.. den i try to sleep. after a while andy woke up and went to the comp and i could oni hear "tab tab tab tab tab..."... hahhaa... and i suddenli woke up to sms mich to thank her for the pressie..

Nxt mornin i got dwn to work. We discussed abt the db. And such. oh well. the db i juz completed la.. but wil make amendments as i program. CANT believe im a programmer.. ahhahaha.. ermmm.. hope can make it la.

Now relaxin.. later muz go lolli's boss's office. go discuss fyp.. hmmmm hope hope hope can complete it on time.. if not.. haiz...

Hmmm... Hmmm..

Sianz. now in fyp lab. two daes nv sms or call him liaoz. i wil continue not to. Support me guys....

Ok now doin cover letter and resume lor... sianz.. damn boliaoz..

Bodyache arh...

juz completed my napfa.. damn sucky.. oh well.. and bodyache all over.. but no so jia lat la.. becoz later muz work.. so abit lethargic. now got 3D lab again.. sianz... bao mei haven reach yet..

juz changed my frendster profile last night. hmmm i tink im reali a gd writer huh?? hahha.. oh well.. suddenli the feelingz came to me again, dats y i wrote them.. Meifen said she cried after reading.. hmmmm i tot i was the oni one who would..

Anywayz... this period of time i shall focus on my sch and social life. Need to reali catch up with the old friends soon.. esp michiko... dunno how long nv see her liaoz.. and ah meng.. every week complain say i nv jio him out. and the siglap sistas.. and nick.. hahhaa cant believe wad it is lik to see nick singin in ktv.. oni seen him in badminton courts though... and another old friend frm nike. xian wei. this guy huh long time nv see him.. he always disturb me and callin me nick names.. irritatin la.. but he is a gd listener and gives pretty gd advices.

Been reali tired recently.. and complained lots recently.. but i am a strong ger. at least i got myself out ofthe bad shape within one week (last week). but had been having contradicting feelings towards him. wanna let go but cant let go. suffered lik mad lor.. hmmm mayb im also immature ba.. this is not real love at all. Love is committment and for life. Not bgr. Bgr is like puppy love and short-lived. For now, i wil enjoy my single life...

ThreeD lesson is reali tough... -_-

FYP LAB...

oki oki doin the same old stuffs.. surfin net.. reali dunno wad to do.. no ideas.. guess i will go look for codes tonight too.. will be stayin overnight at andy's place this sat. Duno y, juz now tok to him on the phone we were lik so close likdat. quite fun to tok to him. But i think he is very serious with me.. he sounds lik he reali wants to b with me. hmmm... i tink i should giv it a try next time ba.. becoz he is a reali nice person. Except that he is also very closed up. well.. leave it to fate. he is juz too tall and skinny i guess.. haha..

Regarding him.. although i try so hard to salvage the r.ship, but thingz juz seems to get worse. No sincerity frm him at all right frm the day i confronted him. He already said dat he doesnt love me anymore, den juz shut me up by tellin me to get lost. Dun need to say want to patch. No need him to pity me lor. And after break up, dun need to say thingz like he wil b back for me n blah blah blah. Becoz these are juz plain rubbish and trash. He and my feelingz for him are hate, rather den love. i think my one yr had been wasted, totally. He is reali tokin cock lor, say wad he wil b back for me for marriage n blah blah.. den the next day say nth.. wad the hell.. machiam waste my time likdat. i tink his character is reali likdat. i muz have been blind all along. take it dat i am bad mouthing him. but this is exactly how i feel towards him now. Nothing but hatred. he has nothing to do with me frm now.. dun even feel lik seeing his face. Act like as if he is an angel infrnt of others but to me, he behaves lik a devil. DUn understand y so many girls lik him. They muz b blind too. Anywayz. This is the end of the story for me n him. He better wake up his idea and avoid me. COz i will show my true colours too. My patience for him has exceeded limit. From now on i wil not show mercy and b such a nice ger to him anymore. He sux.

Well, life goes on.. no point thinkin abt such a guy who does this kind of thingz to me. I juz asked bao mei to pass all those sickenin letters and that lee hwa necklace back to him. He should read those letters again. Damn mushy. But they are all nothing to me now.. damn er xin lor.. he can burn them and the little note book. I dun ever wan to b reminded of all these thingz again. He is juz a cheat. Even asked me "wad happened to our dreams".. WTH.. say no feelingz liaoz stil ask abt dreams. He should go back to sleep and dream abt his own sweet dream lor.. it was reali damn shiok to shoot him dat night on msn. at least i get to vormit out everything i kept for that whole week. Enough is enough. Not worth doing anything for him. He doesnt even appreciate and gives attitude. sucky attitude lor. He does bad thingz to me stil giv attitude. He is reali too much. Should juz fuck off la.

At home...

juz took my brunch... well.. so sianz tryin to adjust my life to the right momentum again.. dunno wad my near future wil b lik.. luckily all my frenz are there to support me and takin care of me... din dare to let ah ger noe all these.. scared she will b worried for me..

yesterdae went to ktv session with marcus n bao mei.. i had real fun. he is damn funny.. actin lik jackie chung. hahaha.. but i did cheer up while i was there. becoz i noe everyone is quite worried for my well being.. but im sure this is the normal period to b upset n cryin and stuffs.. all the girlie emotions.. but after sum time, thingz will go back normal le.. haiz..

Wil meet up with bao mei and her gang later on.. din help elsie celebrate her bdae.. i was afraid my mood would affect the celebration though..

I smsed him juz now.. told him that we remain as wad we r now, and not to b so confused.. let nature take its course.. and he can tok to me when he is ready..

At the same time, i need to cool down too.. now im caught in the middle of his nasty truths and the gd old memories we had.. oh well.. i should juz forget everything and start my life anew.. back to my singlehood, enjoyin the time i spend with my frenz.

Lolli told me to apply for a job as air stewardess. haha.. nt sure if she is jokin not.. but i can consider, mayb i will apply after poly. go for trainings n stuffs.. but i hate puttin on cement onto my face... and its stressful.. haha.. but difficult to get settled down. nvm.. at least can try lor.. its gd money too.

Last night andy smsed me.. oh well.. was damn stressed to c his sms.. it reminded me of the 'agreement'. Lolli asked me if i could accept him when i was at her place.. hmmmm... mayb in future if got fate ba... now.. haha.. dun dare to think..

Ok.. to round up.. singlehood... here i cum.

~Cheers

3D lesson now...

So boring u noe?? duno why michael shaw demo and does his things without explainin to us how he did it and keep mumbling to himself... urgghh... yawnz. i had a gd slp last night. But dreamt of dirty thingz again.. sianz..

hmmm dreamt that there was a Gh0st.. a little girl with long hair and straight short fringe. she look okok but a bit fierce. she jumped on my bed and screamed and laughed as though she was happily enjoying herself while i was sleepin on it. when she turned arnd and saw me lookin at her, she jumped down my bed and stared at me, lik as though she was going to do sumtin to me.. I was so scared, den i hurry chant "ohm guru lian sheng siddih hum" patiently and hopped dat grandmaster can cum to my rescue. Suddenly when she heard me pray, she let out a frown and looked sad, den she floated and flew slowly away frm me and made her escape out of the window.. phew.. i was so scared sial becoz it was so real.. and i tot i woke up liaoz den i told my mama... den in the mornin den i realsied dat everything was a dream.. hmmm.. sumtimes its so difficult to differentiate u noe?? dreams and reality.. i wish i dun dream everynight...

Finally...

Ever heard of the phase "Happily Ever After"? everyone does. but who has seen it? I tot i did. But i was wrong.. everything has cum to an end. We broke off last night. i feel more relieved becoz i have come to a conclusion n decision in d end. At least i do not have to live in suspense and anxiety by sitting there and waitin for his decision. I made up my mind after the phone call with him. He is not sincere in making things right at all.. its like as if i was beggin him to love me again.. I couldnt believe my ears when he said he had no more feelings for me.

And throughout the conversation he sounded impatient. He did nt spare a tot for me. Saying hurting things to me unknowingly. The deep cut he had given me.. im nt sure when wil it recover.. but i feel lik shit now.. i felt lik as if he had stopped loving me a long time ago and all along i tot he loved me. Its lik a one sided thing.

Im not sure isit becoz i gave him too much freedom that he thinks that i dun care. I let him go when he needs to meet frenz, girl frenz, outing til 3am or 5am, work everyday frm mornin til night, stayin overnight at girl's place, blah.. The reason behind it is simple. Trust. I trusted him so much. So much so. And why is dat? Love. I love him. So much so. But... does he know why i love him so much? His love and sincerity from the start. Moved me. Touched me. If today, it is another girl, do u think she can tolerate her bf for doing all these? She would have kicked up a big fuss with her bf.

When he was with me n my frenz, he kept quiet, even fell asleep. Who can tolerate that? Did i ever do anything to make him disappointed in me in frnt of his frenz? No. But all i can do is tolerate. and accept that when he says he is tired. He is always tired. He can hav the energy to go out with frenz and work. But did he prioritize by giving me a little bit of attention to care for me, assure me and think of me? unknown. i trusted him too much dat i tot he would stil cum back to me no matter wad. But...

He made me say out the heartbreaking phase. "Lets break off. This is final". But he insisted on continuing. Reason? becoz i put in alot of effort to pursuade my family to accept him. Accepted? No. Becoz i expected to hear him say he wans to make things go right and wil try his best to love me n protect me. But no. I did not hear any such things. Just becoz he doesnt love me nw, he decided to ignore my feelings too. Mayb we were nt meant to b.

Everything is like a lie. He made me convinced dat his love for me was genuine and lasting. And den in d end, his excuse was. "love decreased becoz we seldom meet up". So hurting. Becoz i alwayz tot our r.ship was strong and meetin up less was nt a problem at all. Mayb he doesnt even care abt anything anymore. and said "We r reali 2 differnt types of ppl". He hurt me again.

I am even more sure dat breakin up is the correct thing to do. Without love for me, we both cant carry on. I dun need him to pity n sympathize with me juz becoz i love him n need him. I can stand up on my own again. One day, we may learn to regret. But by then, everything is too late. becoz there is no turnin back anymore. I hope he doesnt hurt his next gf likdat.

Pierced and burnin heart...

feeling super upset and low confidence in myself... thingz are nt going well for me.. i feel dat i have been faking a strong front in frnt of others these few days. dats y i have this secret diary where i reveal my real world...

I haven been myself lately. completely lost and aimless for my love life. will ignore it for the moment. i cant bring myself to come up with solutions.. he said his love for me decreased becoz we haven been meetin up.. the first tot dat came to my mind.. "is our relationship dat shallow after all these while??".. dat reali made me break down.. i feel lik as if the relationship all along was of no substance and deep understanding of each other. after gettin hurt for so mani times for both of us.. before dat night, i was 100% sure the one i love and the relationship i had was a quality and had strong belief of lasting love. but after recieving dat sms.. i felt lik my world with him had crumbled. This is the second time of my life i felt this way. I think this time rnd i need a few yrs to recover. Dun dare to try anymore. Very hurting in d end.. thinkin back, reading those letters and the past.. its lik a dream.. nv wanna wake up.. but...

I told him to make the choice. I am unsure wad kinda choice he will make although he says he wants to continue.. is it becoz of peer pressure? or is it becoz we had been 2gether for a while and he dun want to throw it into the drain? For me.. i feel peer pressure.. family and frenz. i feel lik an idiot for convincing my family tat i made the right and life choice. And then to realise dat nth is definite. We used to have a strong faith in this relationship..

I wish thingz can work out... but its not going to be easy. Have to put in alot of effort from both sides. Have to have the mentality that we love each other alot, and dats y we r going to giv it a try again. I have doubts. many doubts. So wad if i have love for him and yet he doesnt? giving him up is the oni way to make him happy. So wad if i dun wish to loose him? no use hoggin to a relationship with sumone who is not meant to be yours..

I hope he can let me go too if he doesnt love me anymore. Dun wan to see him lost and sufferin too.. becoz i noe how it feels lik. especially now.. my heart is burnin and pierced.. And yet.. i can do nth.. but to wait in anxiety. Wait for his final decision.

After pasting so mani pics...

i decided to post some wordy wordy paragraphs again.

Hmmm.. those two pics of me n seanie.. everytime i look at them, i wil smile, and den think abt the sweet memories i had with him. Seriously, sumtimes i am determined to brk off with him for sum reasons, but in d end i always regret becoz he is reali the best bf i've ever met. i wil remember the thingz he did for me and said to me. and den i start to feel sad and blame myself for being so silly to ask for a breakup. becoz i dunno how i am going to lead my life without him in future. I am so used to havin him arnd, tokin abt him, sharing thingz with him, holdin his hands and chattin with his mum. Recently we had sum rough patches, but i know thingz wil b ok. i hope he feels the same way too. he said he is workin very hard now so he can provide cash for my expenses when sch starts. i am very touched. but i tot it could b great if he saved up the cash for emergency cases.

Talking about my Dynasty Warriors... i am very sad. becoz i trained my character 'Liu Bei' until very power.. den dunno wad happened he cant fight anymore.. he cannot attack enemies.. i am very angry and sad.. so i replayed the empire again frm scratch, trainin another character called 'Zhao Yun'. okok oni.. but he stil loose to the stupid Lu Bu.. haiz.. irritatin.. muz train him summore if not i will b wastin my time tryin to destroy the Lu Bu.

Been a real slacker these few weeks. rottin at home. but. i will b startin work this fridae til sun. and every sat n sun on the subsequent weeks until mid feb. i hope i can cope with sch work too. becoz i need to work to earn sum cash for my expenses when sch reopens. Sorry lolli n yummieee. but if first week of feb reali cant fin proj, i stop work end of january.

These few daes lik very warm hor? makes me sooooo lethargic. i tink my weight wil remain the same.. i wil stop snackin in sch also when sch reopens. muz go joggin. use the sch's facilities, since we pay up misc fees to the sch every yr. seanie says he will agree to any of my demands if i can finish 2.4km in 9mins. i wil work towards dat goal. :P .. juz try lah.. we work hard together la. jia you jia you jia you!!!