My feelings, secrets, unknown past and forgotten memories.

B - O - R - E - D...

nth to do.. i mean i hav gt work to do.. but they juz put my energy low.. how nice if im at home now watchin tv, munchin on chips and playin PS2.. ahhHHhhh..
Miss sch, seanie, parties, outings, bitchin, frenz, bbq-ing, ma's chicky wingz and curry, salmon... yum..
its been a long time since i spent time with myself alone and with seanie.. i booked him on the first monday after SIP. Get him to help me massage my shoulders.. damn stiff frm workin.. my neck too.. urgh..

get a cool suntan at sentosa. Need to get brown soon.. otherwise ppl are gonna mistake me as a leftover spirit frm seventh month.. lol..

got a sms frm Andy. My first ex. We stil keep in contact as frenz.. hmmm.. he wished me gd night. oh well its been ages since he smsed me. wonder how he is doin. but too bad, i was already in my dreamland when he smsed. So replied him this mornin.. i found that i dun hav a common topic with him anymore. It was tough replyin the sms.. so i merely wrote thingz lik "take care, be more cautious of yr health in army now after operation".. i wonder if he needs all these.. coz i can feel dat he wun reali bother abt my concern nowadays.. still, i hope he can hav more luck in his love life coz his mama doesnt lik his current gf and they are on rocks coz of this..

Another Rainy Day...

Hmmm... cold cold dae.. me and seanie went shoppin yesterdae. He was very tired.. and todae he has to work OT so we nt meetin up le.. todae can go home earli rest.. play PS2.. kekeke... FFX and Dynasty Warriors here i cum!!

This sat wil hav a mini celebration for bao mei. Her bdae's cummin! we are goin to Suki Sushi for buffet again.. i hope i can loose 3kg after SIP.. Gonna go for badminton n gym session during holidays.. Anyway.. i am plannin to get her a bracelet.. nt sure wad u guys think? Went to look see at perlini yest. Saw a jig saw bracelet.. quite cute!

oki.. nth much to write for todae.. may post sumtin later on. =p

Rainy Day...

hmmm.. rainin cats and dogs at harbourfront todae.. a reali cold day.. miss seanie alot..
last night i accompanied my ma to see kids carryin lanterns and playin with candles.. lol.. took some shots using my ma's new camera phone. my ma's cool huh lol..

anyway.. she saw seanie sending me back home a distance away. Den seanie left before we saw my ma.. sumtin gd happened. My ma asked me why din i invite seanie along to see the kids? oh man.. i had a shock! -_-!!! couldnt believe dat dat was my ma standin in frnt of me.
So happily and excitedly, i called up sean. But he was already on a bus.. haiz.. dat was a golden opportunity for seanie!!! and it slipped by.. its alright, we can try again nxt yr.. lol...
she asked me abt seanie's studies and how his results were lik, how many siblings he has and blah blah.. i m very excited! lookin forward for the dae when seanie can cum over to my place for dinner after sendin me back, take a short rest, den head back home.. keke..

i hope lolli will b ok soon.. scared she wil b too stressed up. and of coz silly yummieee.. nth wil happen to u la.. lol.. lolli is such a passionate ger. warm blooded.. and easy going, trustable and loyal to her frenz.. haiz dun worry gal. thingz will be fine no matter wad. When i was down, u n yummiee nv forsake me at all.. u all stil treat me lik norm and cheered me up. Now im tellin u the same thing.
Me n yummieee wil b beside u all the time. even if we cant b physically beside u, but our "sistahood" and listening ears will always b followin u and hauntin u whether u lik it or nt ya? Awww.. u are juz so sweet ger.. muackZz lolli muAckZz yummiee!!

Zhong Qiu Jie Quai Le...

another yr is passing soon.. time reali flies.. a very happy mooncake festival to everyone..
my ma asked me to accompany her tonight to see the kids in the void decks carry lanterns -_-.. lol.. ermmm interesting.. she even said she wanna lid candles -__-!!! ... oh well.. i was speechless so she took it as a yes.

My ma has started to accept seanie.. a gd sign.. she no longer feel angry with seanie for sendin me home or hanging out with me.. i feel im startin to fall head over heels with seanie again.. i feel very happy and secured when he was very anxious and concerned over me yesterdae.. he became the sweet old seanie i once knew again.. i feel very warm hearted becoz i know thingz will start to go back to normal soon..

Not only dat.. lolli and yummiee asked me out.. and i specially bought my first bikini for the sentosa tanning session we are plannin for.. :P .. i feel so suah gu.. lolli is so sensitive.. she is such a sweet and careful ger.. i could feel dat she reali wan me to stay cheerful and nt to look back at negative thingz. both of them are supportive.. i feel very touched...
anyway... yummiee also asked me out to eat at suki sushi.. yum yum.. dats wad her name meant.. yummmieee.. with her arnd.. sure got lobang for gd food..
Anyway.. there was improvement for me yest! I din loose my temper at all.

Accumulated Day Count of Not Loosing Temper : 1

My Mum..

Saw me crying yesterdae at home.. she was shocked because she did nt understand y i was feeling so down these few daes.. den she came to me and asked wad happened? was it becoz i had a quarrel with sean. I told her no and i dunno and i cried again.. den she said im suffering frm depression too.. cant believe im so unlucky this yr.. all the "female probs" juz keep cummin to me.. PMS, UTI, and now.. depression..

My mum experienced this before too.. lucki she told me more.. she advised me to see a doctor.. but i am embarrassed to see a doc.. i feel dat im so weird in this society.. and my eyes are all red and swollen frm all the crying.. din sleep much too..

i feel bad throwin my temper at sean last night.. i even scolded him a liar. i even tot of dying.. becoz he said he would help me walk out of depression.. but i couldnt feel any sincerity frm him.. so.. i blew up on sms with him.. haiz..

I've changed into so vulnerable ever since sean became my bf.. he treat me too well, spoon feed me wit everything, tolerate all my nonsense.. i took everything for grunted from my frenz and him.. I m a total loser.

Symtoms of Depression.. and me..

Plucked up courage to look up about "Depression".

http://www.effexorxr.com/a/a10.asp#


These are the symtoms i have.. what the hell is happening to me...
- Constant sadness
- Lack of motivation
- Irritability
- Feelings of isolation, not as involved with family and friends
- Loss of interest in favorite activities
- Feeling worthless or guilty for no reason
- Unexplained muscle aches
- Low energy
- Significant weight change

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Everyone please take gd care of yrselves.. Although i suspect myself to have Depression, it is indeed sucky and bad feeling.. if u r feeling the same.. please see a doc asap...

Sunday...

A very warm dae todae..
played Dynasty Warriors 4 on my PS2 todae.. cool.. got addicted to this game since yesterdae.. love it!
and i started playin FFX.. hmmm cool graphics.. but.. the story is juz too draggy.. yawnzz while the story was goin on.. but still.. its cool!

had a lil chat with sean's mum dat dae when i went over dat dae to give her the mooncakes.. sadz me n seanie are lik nt as close as last time already. we have lesser topics and less thingz to share with. I even felt uncomfortable when he bought mooncakes for me.. so i had to get mooncakes for him in return.. bought 4.. 2 snowskin(durain and strawberry) and 2 traditional mooncakes.. i dunno wads happening between us.. i feel that he is weird.. im weird too. i am confused.. am i decieving myself dat he stil loves me alot? coz i dun feel he loves me as much as the past in my heart now. wonder wads gonna happen in the near future. Perhaps everything lovely and happiness we imagined in the past were juz bubble imaginations. They cant b real. At least not anymore now.

My ah ma is doin fine. hmmm she can walk on her own using a walkin stick given by the hospital.. her condition was much much better den i expected.. phew.. but still. we've got to be very very careful with her. dun wish her to fall again..

miss my frenz. mizz lolli and yummiee. mizz social life. but too tired and lazy to do anything.. reali dun wish to face anyone..
its so contradicting.. i have to keep myself cheerful and happy still.. i have to control my temper, control my behaviour and control my emotions and thoughts. Urgh..

Knockin off soon...

yeah.. fridae! my fav dae..
my mummy cooked curry chicken tonight.. yumm yumm.. love my ma's cookin.. she can reali cook well.. her mee hun kway and bbq chicken wings.. MAMA MIA~
hmmm hope this evenin wil be a happy and memorable one with seanie.. -_- i am lackin too much concern frm him already.. does he know dat i m missin him lots?? does he miss me at all??
Damn.. its nt a gd feelin ya noe? this is the first time i feel insecured in this 8mth, goin to 9mth relationship.. i hope he doesnt disappoint me any further.. coz im at a downturn of my life.. need him lots to pull thru.. hope he understands..

YEAH!! One week down, 2 more to go.. and thats the end of my root and number one misery!! Cheers~

Last night...

I met up with seanie.. again.. he pissed me.. i tink i am havin very bad mood swings lately.. so we had a tok near my house.. i tink i cried more den tokin. but i couldnt help it.. so embarrassing.. ppl walking pass kept staring at us.. anyway.. I told him how i felt and wadever shit i was stressed with.. of coz i told him abt bahbu head.. and my programming incident.. although he did not answer or tok much.. i felt better after tokin.. i oni needed sumone to sit beside me and listen to my sorrows..

When i went back home..
I realised that my brother bought PS2.. hmmm i m nt very keen with all these.. seriously, i would rather he used the money to help out in my ah ma's medical and hospital bills.. but i may play when i feel lik venting my anger.. mayb i should do that instead of havin mood swings..
Wonder how some of my frenz are doin.. i feel so bad coz i haven been contactin them for quite a long time.. reali hav to find some chances to catch up with them..

My Ah Ma...

My ah ma will be discharged todae.. i hope her leg can recover soon.. frm tonight onwards i will have to get up frequently frm sleep to bring my ah ma to the toilet.. the doctor said she is recovering fast.. im glad.. well hope she wun fall again.. otherwise its gonna b fatal.. doc said if she were to fall again, they will have to get her legs removed.. :`( ..
And im worried during the dae time becoz no one is at home looking after her except for my ah gong.. ppl who noe me should noe my ah gong and ah ma dislike each other.. haiz.. problematic.. wad if my ah gong dun wan take care of her.. luckily my sip is gonna end soon. den i can stay at home everydae to take care of her.. but that will affect my hols.. coz i wun get to enjoy so much..
Anyway, i wil do my best.

Ahhhhhh...

I felt tons better after talking to Yummiee and Lolli.. No regrets knowing them.. U go GALS~

Work..

oh well.. doing data entry.. hmmm... stil undergoing a lil bit of depression though.. i hope i can regain my cheerful mindset soon..
alot of things undone.. haitien's webbie, letters, and burning of cds for master are all undone.. i feel so lethargic..
anyway, sip will come to an end 2 weeks later.. i swear im goin to chill with my frenz and get myself all relaxed and happy. I wun have to worry about anything by then.. i can concentrate on the haitien's ceremonies. That is the only period where i will feel completely relaxed and glad.. i haven't been chanting sutras lately.. *guilt.. wonder if dat is the reason why i feel insecure with everything i do and ppl around me..
tomolo is a fri.. supposed to be my favourite dae of a week.. i hope it or he, rather, doesnt screw up becoz im meetin seanie again -_- .. I dun feel lik seeing him or tokin to him becoz i feel extremely weird doing so. Mayb if i had not agreed to b in a r.ship with him, i would be so much happier now.. being attached this young is reali dreadful.. I am startin to have the feelin that time is passing so slowly with him.. there isnt much topics or conversations to share.. becoz he simply says "dun care about them. dun care about it" whenever i tok to him.. its gettin on my nerves.. if he doesnt care, i wun too. he can do wadever he wans i wun interfere anymore.. i would rather spend my time with myself slackin.. hes juz a waste of my time..
i guess i would juz slog on.. see how it goes.. mayb i shall ask for a breakup when he is ready for that fact.. funny.. i dun feel dat hurt when i said that.. mayb i am reali too tired to commit now..

Depression

I was in depression during the last few daes.. nt sure y.. cried n cried the last 2 nights.. i felt so inferior and everyone was against me, no one cares or bothers about me. It was horrible. At work, my boss scrapped my programming work off and asked me to do database entry instead.. i feel so so so inferior because everyone else in my office can do programming.. y am i the stupid one who cant?? even bahbu head.. he could do php. And i cant. Its so unfair.. y am i assigned to b a programmer when i reali cant b one? TP only has a bunch of idiotic lecturers. They said they had looked through our grades and therefore assigned us a job. But look wad they did to me.. im totally bashed up, defeated and living in a world of my own havin depression and lunchin in everydae..
While travellin to work.. i can understand dat its reali crowded.. but ppl juz get in my way. Walkin so slowly in frnt of me, steppin on my toes and slippers, pickin their nose right infront of my view, pushin me, continuous banging onto me while sleepin seated beside me.. What is wrong with everyone.. They simply irritate me..
Seanie was my only pillar of support.. but everytime i see him, i dun wish to tell him my troubles.. he was already busy enough.. so i kept everything to myself.. we met up on tuesday.. i was so happy that we could finally meet up because i needed him so much. So i dolled up myself.. hoping to attract at least some of his attention. I thought he would reward me with a nice big hug.. but no.. he kept joking and criticizing me.. why does everything seems to be a joke to him.. i reali cant tolerate anymore.. he din even try to please me when i was angry. Instead, I was already so stressed up and he kept adding oil to the fire.. so i blew up, and got into a terrible depression.. i kept having negative thoughts about everything..

This is juz a test

oh well, i will be able to post daily journal with this thing.. cool~